Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Future Fears

As a parent I think that our biggest fear would have to be losing your child.  I can't even begin to imagine that kind of pain.  But on a smaller scale of things, I have fears about the future for both of my children, but they are fears that are unique to each of my two girls. 

For Jayden, I fear that she may become a hoodlum and live a life of crime and be addicted to drugs.  A little intense I know, but I do fear that somewhere along that path of middle school/high school she could possibly fall into the wrong crowd and wind up in a very dark place.  I also fear that maybe she won't go to college and that she will settle for something easy and end up struggling all of her adult life.  I fear that she may not find someone to share her life and her hopes and her dreams with.  I fear that she could possibly be unhappy or worse yet, resent me or Sophia for all of the "special" attention that Sophia needed and Jayden didn't.

On the other hand, for Sophia, I fear the day I have to send her off to school.  I fear that other kids will be mean to her.  I fear that while they are being rude and hurtful, she will not understand their actions and will want to be their friend anyway.  I fear that she may not be able to communicate with me, or other trusting adults, and therefore not be able to tell anyone when something bad has happened.  I fear that her teachers will be mean to her, or impatient with her and her needs.  I fear that she will not be given every opportunity because she will always be seen as a person with a disability first instead of a person with many abilities.  I fear that people will always try to take advantage of her because she is so loving and trusting and compassionate.  But over all, I fear that one day I will not be here to take care of her.  I know that she is still so little, and of course I have to do so much for her still, but deep in my heart I feel like noone could ever take care of my precious Sophia the way I can.  She needs ME.  But what if I can't be here?  Who will love her and give her hugs and kisses?  Who will hold her little hand and snuggle her when she is sick or scared?  Who will watch over her and protect her and keep her safe from all of the cruelty that surrounds our world?  Who will take my place as her mother, for as long as she NEEDS someone to be her mother?  It's a lot to ask of anyone to take your children should the unexpected ever happen, but to take your child that may need to live at home forever, that is a whole other ball game.  I have always had a hard time with death and losing people, but since I had children of my own, the stakes become so. much. higher.  I fear for both of my girls that they will fall apart from each other.  I fear that Jayden will not want to watch over Sophia as they get older and that the sisterly bond that I always wanted for my girls to have, will be nothing but a dream.

I have these fears.  I can't help it that I think the way I do or that I know that anything can happen in life, good and bad.  Deep in my heart I know that Jayden is an amazing person who is capable of anything her little heart desires and she sets her mind to.  I know that she is loving and compassionate and that she is protective of Sophia, she just hasn't really had to be yet, that's what I'm here for.  I also know that there truly are a lot of loving, trusting, patient and compassionate people in this world, not everyone is bad and mean and cruel.  I know that Sophia will do amazing things as well and will be a voice and a face to change peoples views on individuals with Down syndrome.  My girls are AMAZING and with or without me their world will go on, together.  I have to believe that.....but I still have my fears.


  1. I suppose that we as Moms all have fears. Newsflash: they really don't go away. They just morph into other fears. Eric,my son, lives in Indy,he is 32 and I worry about him when bad weather comes through, or I hear of an accident or a shooting or whatever in Indy. I worry that he and his fiancee' won't settle down and have kids. I worry that they WILL have kids, but will live in Indy so I won't see them often. etc etc etc.

  2. My mom worries the same things about my brother and me :) We think she is crazy, and try to reassure her we are fine, but she worries any way. But being a mother now, I get it. I too will always worry about my children, no matter where life takes them....
    Dixie :)