I remember growing up and sometimes thinking that my parent's loved or favored my brother more than they did me. I remember having a different connection with both my parents compared to the connections that my older brother seemed to have with our parents. I remember a lot of times thinking that maybe I wasn't as good as my brother or as special. Then I had kids, two kids.
When Jayden was born, I was in heaven. My biggest dream in the world was to be a Mommy and she turned me into one. I stayed home with her every day, playing and laughing, talking and cuddling. She became my new best friend, the one person that I could never live without. We did every thing together and I loved it! But I wanted more kids and I wanted Jayden to have siblings and for us to have a big family, and so we were ready to try again.
It was exciting finding out that we were having another baby. I loved being pregnant, both times. Having another life inside of you, growing and thriving all because of you, is AMAZING. Both my girls were with me all the time, but with one of them still inside me, I still had all my time to devote to Jayden, which was great. The closer I got to having Sophia, the more nervous I got. Of course I still wanted another baby, but I was scared about possibly not loving her as much as I did Jayden. I mean Jayden had practically been my whole life for the last 3 years. She meant everything to me and I meant everything to her. How could I just take away some of the love I had for her and split it in half so that I could love another baby just as much? And would I love this other baby just as much? I didn't even know her, but I knew Jayden. I just didn't want Jayden to think I didn't love her because we had another baby.
When Sophia arrived, once again, I was back in heaven. She was another perfect baby, that was the best parts of me and the best parts of Randy. Of course things with Sophia's arrival were far different than the first time around with Jayden. Sophia had to stay in the hospital for a whole month before ever getting to come home, which meant I needed to be at the hospital too. This was so hard for me, because of course I wanted to be with Sophia, I needed to be with Sophia, but Jayden still needed me too and I needed to be with her. It was a very hard and emotional 4 weeks. Leaving one child to go be with the other and then leaving that child to go and be with the other child again. When I was with one, all I could think about was being with the other. I always felt like whoever I was with at the time, the other one needed me more. I felt like I wasn't being the mother I needed to be by not being able to be there, for both girls, and be everything and do everything for them, in two different places, at the same time. Ridiculous, right?
I know that I love both of my girls, with everything that I have inside of me. I would do anything for either one them. But I also know that I don't love them both the same. At first this seemed weird to me and I didn't know quite how to explain my feelings, even to myself, but then I came across something on another mom's blog that said it perfectly for me. "He has my heart in a way the other's don't need to." Of course the he, in my case is a she, and yes, this is how I feel. I love Jayden. I love Sophia. Do I love one more than I love the other? No way! I love them both, equally, but just differently. Jayden and Sophia are two different people. They are two different personalities. They both have different strengths. And yes, Sophia has a piece of my heart, that Jayden doesn't need and Jayden has a piece of my heart that Sophia doesn't need.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
This weekend we went to our first amuesment park, as a family. We went with my mom and my brother and his family and had a BLAST! The kids were great! The weather was awesome! The park was better than I remember as a kid! And we made some memories and hopefully a tradition that we can continue to do every year!
|This picture isn't the best, it was taken with my phone, but it's a picture that my brother and I remember taking every year that we went to Holiday World with my dad :) So of course we had to take one with each of our own families!|
Thursday, June 23, 2011
It's hard to believe that it's already been seven years since my dad passed away. I've always heard people say that things like this get easier with time, but apparently seven years isn't enough time, because every day feels like it was just yesterday that my dad left. This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life so far. It was quick and unexpected and I wasn't prepared in any way at all and even to this day it has left a huge hole in my heart that just won't mend. I love him so much and I miss him terribly. My life was just about to begin when my dad passed away. I was 4 months away from getting married and two short years away from starting a family. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that our lives are already planned out for us before we are even born. But regardless, it hurts so bad that my dad was taken away before all the fun really began. He was an amazing father and I just know that he would have been an extra amazing Papaw! I wish that I could go back to the last 6 months of his life and be with him more and tell him that I loved him more and say all the things that needed to be said and non of the things that were of no importance. But I can't go back and I just have to hope that he knew how much I loved him and how important he was to me. I think about my dad every single day and I pray that he looks down on me and my family each and every day as well. I always like to think that my girls have their own special guardian angel up in heaven looking down on their every move and loving and protecting them every second of every day. There are so many things I would change if I could. There are a million more hugs, kisses and I love you's I would give, but the reality is, I can't. This day has haunted me for the past seven years and I know that it will continue to weigh heavy on my heart for a very long time. But I continue to move on with my life and make memorable moments with my girls like my dad made for me. Daddy, I miss you terribly and I love you whole heartedly. You will be a part of me forever, I love you!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Our niece and nephew spent a few nights with us last weekend and we had a blast with them! Jayden LOVES hanging out with her cousins and we were so glad that they got to stay and hang out with us!
Jayden, Niles and Mallory with their silly balloons
Mally getting "bubbled" :)
Mallory, Sophia, Jayden and Niles
Sophia, always hanging like the big kids
Jayden ( a little goofy looking), Niles, Mallory and Sophia
Jayden and Mallory before Mallory's dance recital. She did AWESOME! and we are so PROUD of her!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
WELCOME! to our CARNIVAL! We had hot dog and nachos. Popcorn and cotton candy. Snow cones, cookies, ice cream and of course, BIRTHDAY CAKE! Our baby girl celebrated her 2nd birthday this weekend with a carnival birthday party and more importantly she celebrated it with amazing family and friends! Even though Saturday came bringing the heat, we had a great day and we were all happy to be together celebrating an amazing little girl, who has come so far in 2 years!
WELCOME ONE AND ALL!
Our backyard, turned into as close as we could get to a carnival :)
Happy Birthday, baby girl!
Nothing like a little foot to the throat, sorry great-grandma Mary.
Playing at the water wheel and matching up ducks.
Just chillin in the bounce house.
Taking a couple steps with Nana.
Giving the kids tattoos.
Mallory playing bean bag toss while Sophia watches (or is she about to climb up on the picnic table and cause some distruction...)
Jayden catching bubbles
Giving Sophia her first tat.
"Don't mess with this bad baby, she has an elephant tattoo!"
Sophia and Landon playing bean bag toss
Pin the Nose on the clown. Way to go Mally!
Zoie and Sophia getting a nose to pin on the clown.
Sophia says, "Thank you Aunt Jarah for painting faces!"
Landon getting his face painted
Mallory getting her face painted.....again :)
Sophia playing in the water. Man was it HOT!
and eating a car
Birthday Cake, YUM!
But of course Sophia is trying to give her cake away! I'm sure she would have eaten it if it were rocks or dirt or grass..... :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOPHIA GRACE! AND THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO CAME OUT TO CELEBRATE WITH US!