Sunday, February 22, 2015

A Burden

I wrote this post a few months back, waiting at the doctor's I guess I'll post it now.

I have never considered Sophia a burden.  She has never been, not wanted.  A pain in the butt at times.....yes.  But never something that if I could do it all over again, I would change things.

I have felt lucky, blessed, since the moment I laid eyes on my sweet little girl.  I loved her, unconditionally, and wanted to protect her....then, now, and forever.

Within the past 5 1/2 years, I have had moments where I had to think about where my children would go if something should ever happen to my husband and me?  Would, Sophia specifically, put a burden on someone else's life should they need to take my children in?  Would they resent the fact that they were put in this position, to care for a child, possibly long term, who had special needs?  I never want my child to be a burden, to anyone, because she's not a burden at all.

When Sophia started school, I had to let her go a bit.  She was growing up and starting a new adventure.  It was hard losing some of that control over her day to day routine.  It was hard not only sending her away from me for extended hours a day, but it was hard putting her care in someone else's hands.  At five years old, Sophia needs a lot more support and guidance then your typical five year old (if you want to keep her out of trouble that is!)  She is still learning so many things about being an independent person.  But she IS learning!  She impresses so many people, each and every day.  And although she is progressing and making me so proud by all her accomplishments, there are days when I feel like I'm putting others out because they have to give extra care to my child.  There are days when I feel like my child is viewed as more of a burden then a pleasure to be around.  I never want people to feel like things would be easier, or better, if Sophia wasn't around.

So at the end of the day, I find myself "praising" others for watching over her.  Profusely thanking them, over and over again, for doing the same thing I do day in and day out, but putting them on a pedestal for doing it.  I don't feel like I should be praised because of what I do for Sophia.  I do the things I do, because she deserves my best, and because I love her.  So why do I fear that other people view my blessing as a burden?