Wednesday, August 22, 2012


I can't believe that my oldest baby is turning 6 today!  I can still remember the day she was born and bringing her home from the hospital.  She was the greatest thing that I had ever done and I am so proud of the little girl that she is becoming. 

Jayden, I love you more then you can even know at such a young age, and I am so proud to call you not only my daughter, but my best friend.  Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!


Thursday, August 16, 2012

School Days

I can't believe that I am sitting her typing this in an EMPTY house!  In a way it feels nice but my heart also aches a little for my two little rugrats :(  Jayden started kindergarten on Tuesday, and Randy came along to drop her off on her first day.  I think I was more sick with worry the night before then the actual morning of dropping her off.  We walked her into the gym, which is where they are meeting for the first week, and her teacher checked her in and she sat down on the black line and waited for the rest of her friends to get there.  We told her bye, and she looked like she could have cried at any minute, but she was not going to do that in front of her teacher or her new classmates, so she held it together and I told her I would see her when I came back to pick her up.  Randy took Sophia out to the car and I went to the cafeteria to put money on her account, because even though she barely ate anything at school during summer school, she was sure she wanted to eat there that day even though I packed her lunch.  Actually she was just worried she wouldn't be able to open her lunchable by herself and then what would she do? :)  After I paid that, I went back to the gym doors and just watched her sitting on the black line while the rest of her soon to be new friends piled in with their parents.  There was nothing exciting to see but I couldn't pull myself away, just wanting to sit there and stare at her as long as I could.  Then Randy texted me, "WTF?", and I knew I needed to wrap my stare fest up and head back to the car so he could get to work.  Surprisingly I don't think I shed one tear that morning, because just like Jayden didn't want to be a boo boo baby in front of everyone, I sure as heck didn't want to be one in front of Randy!  So I kept myself in check on the outside, but was desperate to have her back with me on the inside. 

Sophia and I kept busy all day and I just couldn't wait for the end of the day so I could go and get Jayden and hear all about the awesome day she had!  And like I knew she would, she did have a great first day!  She has a good preschool buddy in her class this year and they both were assigned the job of "Lunch Bucket Helpers" this week and get to take the lunch boxes to the cafeteria in the morning and back to the class after lunch.  They got to play outside TWICE, and as far as Jayden is concerned, Mr. Compton is a really cool guy :)  Jayden continues to amaze me all the time.  I can't believe that she has finally made it into elementary school!  I am so proud of everything that she is and I know that she will continue to make me proud of everything that she is meant to be!

Now, as if sending Jayden off to kindergarten wasn't bad enough, two days later I leave my little peanut Sophia to start her first day of preschool!  And as some of you know, this preschool thing has been a MESS from the moment we started the process of enrolling her!  I think I have ranted enough about all of that though, but to make a long story short, after meeting Sophia's new teacher yesterday, Mrs. Gardener, I am very confident that Sophia is in the right place, with the right teacher, and that she is going to LOVE being at preschool!  Again, surprisingly I didn't cry dropping Sophia off at school this morning!  She wanted me to walk her in, and was clinging to me going in, but once we got in the room, I think she remembered it from yesterday and first went to grab the teachers hand to take her in, but then realized she didn't need either one of us and took off to see what she could find.  Her teacher directed her and another little boy to the carpet where they would begin the day and I decided to sneak out on a good note and hopefully there was no crying once she realized I was no longer around :/ 

I am definitely going to miss my girls now that they are off in school either part of the day or most of the day, but knowing that they are making other connections with other peers and adults makes me happy.  I have been their entire world for 3 and 6 years, and as much as I feel like I want to be their entire world forever, I don't and they don't want that either.  They are growing up and with that they are becoming more independent and I want that for both of them.  I hope that they both truly love school and always have warm, loving teachers who want what is best for both of them and that they can make friendships that will last a long time.  I just can't believe how fast my babies have grown and I am so proud to be both of their mamas!  Happy School Days Jayden and Sophia!!!!  

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Two little pieces of Heaven

Sophia, cracking a little smile for the camera :)

Jayden is going to be a very lucky slot machine player when she grows up :)

Sophia has been practing taking her own pictures.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Forever Fearful

I recently read about a little girl, who was 4 years old and reminded me of Sophia from the first moment I saw her picture, who had passed away.  She wasn't sick though, in fact she seemed like a perfectly healthy kid who was supposedly playing in her brother's room and somehow got trapped behind a dresser and by the time her dad found her, she was gone.....

Every day I worry about Sophia.  I worry about her future and what she will be doing in 20, 30, 40 years.  I worry if Sophia will have friends who love and accept her for exactly who she is.  I worry about the possible day where I am no longer here to love and care for her.  But all of these things aren't constant in mind from day to day, but that worry that Sophia will be taken away from me way to early is something that is on my mind a lot.  I worry that she's going to get sick one day, really sick, and I just don't know how I would handle that again.  I worry that something could be wrong with Sophia, but that I would miss the signs and not get her the help she needs as quickly as possible and in turn it could cost her her life.  I worry that the one minute that I don't have my eyes and hands on her, that she will put herself into an irreversable unsafe situation.

I worry, all. the. time.  But I wouldn't trade any of those fears for a life without my sweet Sophia.  Because even though the fear and the worry can get the best of me from time to time, the rewards that I get from all of her accomplishments are so much sweeter then I ever could have imagined.  Sophia is constantly amazing me, every. single. day.  Her laugh is contagious.  Her smile is heartmelting.  Her hugs are breathtaking.  And her kisses are.....wet. 

I wish that I had a way of knowing that my babies will be forever safe in my arms.  But I guess that's where faith comes in and I just have to put my fears in stronger hands and know that all I have control over is the present, the here and now.  My girls make me feel lots of things (crazy is the first word that comes to mind), but mostly they make me feel love.  The love that pours out of my heart and soul for them and the love that I feel from them with every hug, kiss and I love you.  Today, fear is going on the backburner....