Thursday, July 26, 2012

Feeling Guilty

I never realized just how hard being a mother could be.  You put all of you blood, sweat and tears into your children and at the end of the day you still feel like you're never doing enough.  I have this image in my head of the perfect mother, and although I know that in reality I can never be that mother, because that mother doesn't exsist, I still find myself bending over backwards and practically killing myself to live up to an image that isn't even feasible.  And still at the end of the day I find myself feeling like a failure for not measuring up. 

I have this long checklist that just keeps running all day and night in my head about all the things I need to do, and all the things I want to do, and all the things I'm supposed to do.  Then when I can't check off everything on my list, I start feeling guilty about the things that I did check off my list, thinking maybe I should have checked off something more important.  Like, did I play with my kids enough today?  Did I give each girl enough one on one quality time?  Did I clean the house enough today?  Did my kids have a fun day or a horrible day, and if it was bad, was that my fault?  Did I provide my kids with opportunities to use their brains and expand on their world of knowledge?  Did I do enough therapy with Sophia?  Did I get the bills all paid?  Did I fold the laundry?  Do I know what we are having for supper?  And it keeps going, and going, and going......

I know that I'm not a perfect mother, and I know that no matter how perfect the mom standing next to me looks, she's not perfect either.  But there is just something in me that always feels like I'm never doing enough.  I know all moms have guilt when it comes to their children.  We just want the absolute best for our kids.  And lets face it, with kids, nothing is ever good enough!

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