Tuesday, June 28, 2011

To know a child, is to love a child.

I remember growing up and sometimes thinking that my parent's loved or favored my brother more than they did me.  I remember having a different connection with both my parents compared to the connections that my older brother seemed to have with our parents.  I remember a lot of times thinking that maybe I wasn't as good as my brother or as special.  Then I had kids, two kids.

When Jayden was born, I was in heaven.  My biggest dream in the world was to be a Mommy and she turned me into one.  I stayed home with her every day, playing and laughing, talking and cuddling.  She became my new best friend, the one person that I could never live without.  We did every thing together and I loved it!  But I wanted more kids and I wanted Jayden to have siblings and for us to have a big family, and so we were ready to try again. 

It was exciting finding out that we were having another baby.  I loved being pregnant, both times.  Having another life inside of you, growing and thriving all because of you, is AMAZING.  Both my girls were with me all the time, but with one of them still inside me, I still had all my time to devote to Jayden, which was great.  The closer I got to having Sophia, the more nervous I got.  Of course I still wanted another baby, but I was scared about possibly not loving her as much as I did Jayden.  I mean Jayden had practically been my whole life for the last 3 years.  She meant everything to me and I meant everything to her.  How could I just take away some of the love I had for her and split it in half so that I could love another baby just as much?  And would I love this other baby just as much?  I didn't even know her, but I knew Jayden.  I just didn't want Jayden to think I didn't love her because we had another baby.

When Sophia arrived, once again, I was back in heaven.  She was another perfect baby, that was the best parts of me and the best parts of Randy.  Of course things with Sophia's arrival were far different than the first time around with Jayden.  Sophia had to stay in the hospital for a whole month before ever getting to come home, which meant I needed to be at the hospital too.  This was so hard for me, because of course I wanted to be with Sophia, I needed to be with Sophia, but Jayden still needed me too and I needed to be with her.  It was a very hard and emotional 4 weeks.  Leaving one child to go be with the other and then leaving that child to go and be with the other child again.  When I was with one, all I could think about was being with the other.  I always felt like whoever I was with at the time, the other one needed me more.  I felt like I wasn't being the mother I needed to be by not being able to be there, for both girls, and be everything and do everything for them, in two different places, at the same time.  Ridiculous, right?

I know that I love both of my girls, with everything that I have inside of me.  I would do anything for either one them.  But I also know that I don't love them both the same.  At first this seemed weird to me and I didn't know quite how to explain my feelings, even to myself, but then I came across something on another mom's blog that said it perfectly for me.  "He has my heart in a way the other's don't need to."  Of course the he, in my case is a she, and yes, this is how I feel.  I love Jayden.  I love Sophia.  Do I love one more than I love the other?  No way!  I love them both, equally, but just differently.  Jayden and Sophia are two different people.  They are two different personalities.  They both have different strengths.  And yes, Sophia has a piece of my heart, that Jayden doesn't need and Jayden has a piece of my heart that Sophia doesn't need.

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