Saturday, August 4, 2012

Forever Fearful

I recently read about a little girl, who was 4 years old and reminded me of Sophia from the first moment I saw her picture, who had passed away.  She wasn't sick though, in fact she seemed like a perfectly healthy kid who was supposedly playing in her brother's room and somehow got trapped behind a dresser and by the time her dad found her, she was gone.....

Every day I worry about Sophia.  I worry about her future and what she will be doing in 20, 30, 40 years.  I worry if Sophia will have friends who love and accept her for exactly who she is.  I worry about the possible day where I am no longer here to love and care for her.  But all of these things aren't constant in mind from day to day, but that worry that Sophia will be taken away from me way to early is something that is on my mind a lot.  I worry that she's going to get sick one day, really sick, and I just don't know how I would handle that again.  I worry that something could be wrong with Sophia, but that I would miss the signs and not get her the help she needs as quickly as possible and in turn it could cost her her life.  I worry that the one minute that I don't have my eyes and hands on her, that she will put herself into an irreversable unsafe situation.

I worry, all. the. time.  But I wouldn't trade any of those fears for a life without my sweet Sophia.  Because even though the fear and the worry can get the best of me from time to time, the rewards that I get from all of her accomplishments are so much sweeter then I ever could have imagined.  Sophia is constantly amazing me, every. single. day.  Her laugh is contagious.  Her smile is heartmelting.  Her hugs are breathtaking.  And her kisses are.....wet. 

I wish that I had a way of knowing that my babies will be forever safe in my arms.  But I guess that's where faith comes in and I just have to put my fears in stronger hands and know that all I have control over is the present, the here and now.  My girls make me feel lots of things (crazy is the first word that comes to mind), but mostly they make me feel love.  The love that pours out of my heart and soul for them and the love that I feel from them with every hug, kiss and I love you.  Today, fear is going on the backburner....      

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