Feeling Guilty

I never realized just how hard being a mother could be.  You put all of you blood, sweat and tears into your children and at the end of the day you still feel like you're never doing enough.  I have this image in my head of the perfect mother, and although I know that in reality I can never be that mother, because that mother doesn't exsist, I still find myself bending over backwards and practically killing myself to live up to an image that isn't even feasible.  And still at the end of the day I find myself feeling like a failure for not measuring up. 

I have this long checklist that just keeps running all day and night in my head about all the things I need to do, and all the things I want to do, and all the things I'm supposed to do.  Then when I can't check off everything on my list, I start feeling guilty about the things that I did check off my list, thinking maybe I should have checked off something more important.  Like, did I play with my kids enough today?  Did I give each girl enough one on one quality time?  Did I clean the house enough today?  Did my kids have a fun day or a horrible day, and if it was bad, was that my fault?  Did I provide my kids with opportunities to use their brains and expand on their world of knowledge?  Did I do enough therapy with Sophia?  Did I get the bills all paid?  Did I fold the laundry?  Do I know what we are having for supper?  And it keeps going, and going, and going......

I know that I'm not a perfect mother, and I know that no matter how perfect the mom standing next to me looks, she's not perfect either.  But there is just something in me that always feels like I'm never doing enough.  I know all moms have guilt when it comes to their children.  We just want the absolute best for our kids.  And lets face it, with kids, nothing is ever good enough!

Let the Fundraising Begin...

We are just under 3 months away from the 15th annual Buddy Walk!  It always seems to creep up on me, and it's such a busy time of year anyway, that I know it will be here in no time!  This will be our families 4th year walking as Team Sophia's Stars, and every year we seem to raise a little more money for Down Syndrome Indiana, who in turn advocates and gives support to some pretty awesome individuals, like our Sophia Grace :)  So I had Randy set up our Firstgiving fundraising page yesterday, and we handed out some donation requests today to some businesses that have been generous donors to us in the past, and LET THE FUNDRAISING BEGIN!!!!  If you would like to check out our fundraising page and make a donation to Down Syndrome Indiana, in Sophia's name, we would greatly appreciate it!  Remember, no donation is too small!  Click HERE to go to our 2012 Buddy Walk fundraising page!!!     

Random Pics

Sophia, and her friend Nolan :)

Sleeping Beauty

Jayden, after getting her hair cut.

Sophia :)

Sleeping Beauty # 2 (sleeping with her mouth open...I have no idea where that comes from??? :)

Jayden and Daddy at the Nascar Speedpark in Tennesse

Jayden hit the big Jackpot, 1000 tickets, for the second time in her little life :)

Sister (heart)

Sophia, who is NOT taking a poop, but looks like she could be.

Animal had a LONG week of busy, busy on vacation!

The Family, getting ready to leave our cabin in the woods and return home.

Headphones...she loves them!

The girls; Jayden, Sophia and Shelby dog

Mommy and Soph

Daddy and his girls

Randy and Me

ICE CREAM!!!

The Drop Off

Today was Jayden's first day of summer school before she enters kindergarten in a few weeks.  We pulled into the parking lot and Sophia and I walked Jayden into school.  She was so nervous, it was practically written all over her face, and she said her tummy hurt once or twice.  We walked into the cafeteria where we immediately spotted one of her best friends already sitting at a table, so we joined her while we waited for instructions on what to do next.  But Jayden was so nervous she couldn't even sit down.  Finally they began calling the names of some kindergarten students to come up and form a line so that they could be taken back to their classrooms, and I could tell a little more panic had crept into Jayden, because now she was going to have to part away from me to join the other kids up front, all alone.  I could see the tears starting to form in her eyes and I had to fight back my own tears because it made me so sad to see her so un-nerved.  Then they called her name and up she went, all by herself, because she's so brave :)  I stayed and watched them leave the cafeteria, then walked out into the hall to give her a last thumbs up before she disappeared down the hall and it was over, she was gone.  Of course I went back to the car with Sophia, and her first day of preschool was all I could think about and the tears just started flowing.  It's not even her first real day of elementary school yet and I'm already bawling my eyes out before I even get buckled in my car!  I worried about her all morning, hoping that things were going fabulous and she would get back into the car at noon and tell me all the awesome things she did and how she couldn't wait to go back tomorrow.......and that's exactly what she did :)  I have no idea how I'm going to let BOTH my babies go come August 14th.  Jayden has been my life for almost 6 years and now we'll be apart for close to 7 hours out of the day, that's a lot people!  I know that she is going to LOVE school, and I also know that this time apart might just be what the two of us need, but it's still going to hurt something awful at first. 

It's moments like today, where I see Jayden completely out of her comfort space and very vulnerable and scared that I realize just how completely amazing she is.  She always steps up when she needs to.  She faces her fears because she has to.  And watching her grow more independent with each new journey in life, just makes me realize that she can do anything. That girl of mine, ROCKS!